WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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