I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
