Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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