I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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