The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
