everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
