i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
