i love accidental penises.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I will pee on everything he values.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
