just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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