My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
