I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
