areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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