mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
