After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
