dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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