the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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