dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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