i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
