I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
