Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
