dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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