You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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