So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize