I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize