Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
