Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize