Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
