is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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