about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Found the puke drawer
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
