girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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