Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
