why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
