if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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