I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
