My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize