he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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