Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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