So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
