I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
