i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
