just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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