Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
