wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
