We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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