I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
