i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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