Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize