I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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