sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
