Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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