My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
