Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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