I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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