She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
