the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
